for the last 2 years, everyone around me has been telling me how important junior year is. how much work it is, and how detrimental to your future it can be if you screw it up. and yes, although i do find this to be somewhat melodramatic, i have taken these helpful (or not so helpful-depending on how you look at it) hints and tried to use them to my advantage. that's why, starting today, im forfeiting much of my glorious saturdays to take tests for three hours. that is why im participating in rediculously overrated "leadership" positions in "student senate". that is actually really sad to me-i don't have a shred of "school spirit" and now im going to be taking part in the planning of school sanctioned activities. i guess that will make someone happy... but what i really have been contemplating is how absolutely clueless i am about my impending future. i can't even picture myself in one solid career for 5 years, let alone the rest of my life. i don't know where i want to live, what school i plan on attending, what i want to study, even. my future is probably more of mystery to me than to the people around. me. and i think it's insane that i am going to have to start making these life altering choices in just a matter of time.



but not to dwell on myself by any means...



i talked to jesse again last night. he called me form a payphone, of course, as it seems that he has once again been kicked out of his temporary place of refuge. i don't what it is about that kid, but i think he should highly consider not living with family. they seem to have inherant problems with him. but anyways, he calls me form a payphone, and like always, acts as if nothing is strange, all of this is normal. i mean, i worry about him. he is sleeping in parks and abandoned lots at night. he carries his belongings in a trash bag, and walks miles to school...he has a lot more on his shoulders than anyone our age should have to deal with, but then there is the other side to him.



after a long period of not talking to him, i always forget about his dry sense of humor. i don't know how, the guy can't seem to get out one serious sentance. he also thinks it is incredibly funny to play on my sentiments and tell me stories and lies about the terrible things that have happened to him. like last night he told me that he tried to commit suicide. this obviously scared me, i care about him-he's my friend. so after getting me appropriately rialed, he assures me it is a joke. now if it wasn't for the numerous other occasions he has done this to me, i would think this as a "cry for help", but i can't seem to muster that feeling for him. he makes it hard...he claims the only reason he pulls that stuff is because he "doesn't want to trust anyone, and frankly he thinks it's funny..", but at the same time, how does he expect me to be there for him, when i can't believe a single word he says? i can't do that. so i don't know what to do. he's a great guy and he has had some terrible things happen to him, but he brings a lot of it on himself, and he doesn't ever try to get any help. bec. i guess in his mind, he's doing ok. i don't know anymore.



moving right along.



i have decided to try and start a "zine". how trendy of me, huh? no...i just have been inspired by the numerous crappy ones i have read lately. ok, that's not it. i also think that it would be a great project to keep me busy, and a good way to motivate my writing. except for this, i really haven't done much of that lately. and the thing is, i can't really do anything much with this site, being the technologically impaired female i am. so i have decided that with a little guidance in the publication, distribution, and design areas (from one peticular wonderful, very technological, design inspired soul- and yes, you know who you are) i could really do this. but i don't want it to be yet another cheesy, overly meloncholy, crap poetry and political bitchings that so many zine become. i want to set a higher standard for myself. so, along side that thousands of other projects i have for myself, this should take off in, oh, about 2 years...but the seed is growing, and that is all that matters.



and now dear reader, because i know that there is only one of you out there (*besides me of course*), i am going to go to bed. especially if i want to be able to rise before dark. so goodnight and sweet dreams.



*suenas con los angelitos*